Blessings in Boundaries

An article in Harvard Business Review written by Joe Sanok entitled "A Guide to Setting Better Boundaries" places boundaries into two categories: "hard" boundaries and "soft" boundaries.

Sanok defines "hard" boundaries as those which we consider to be non-negotiables. These are "boundaries we will not compromise on and need to act on immediately."

"Soft" boundaries are defined as aspirations. These are "boundaries that are more like wishes and that you are willing to compromise on." In other words, we may desire these boundaries, but they aren't necessarily "deal-breakers."

My Friday afternoons are filled with "temperature check" appointments with different team members throughout Century Park. As I recently reflected on many of the conversations I've had with team members, it was apparent to me that we all are struggling to set those "hard" and "soft" boundaries in our lives, sometimes to our own detriment.

We have allowed people to trample all over our professional and personal boundaries, and we are surprised when we find our days filled with disappointment, despair, and unhappiness. Sometimes, boundaries have been referred to as "guard rails," which seems a very accurate comparison. Just as guard rails keep our cars on the road so we don't lose our way, boundaries help to keep us (and others) "in bounds" in various ways.

This past week, an associate was crying while relaying to me the story of how a resident's family member had spoken to her inappropriately. This family member was upset that her instructions were not followed as requested, and instead of addressing the issue calmly, she had yelled at a young caregiver, berating her as "incompetent."

I began by talking to the caregiver about the emotional turmoil this family member may be experiencing. I explained how helpless this family member may be feeling, watching her beloved father decline and being unable to personally control the outcome. I personally knew how that felt since I had been there with my own father's passing.

I was proud of the caregiver who looked at me and asked, "So do I just say nothing and take it?"

I thought about this question for a while. Should she? Is the customer always "right?" Or can she perhaps (at a different time when emotions are not so highly charged) explain the impact of the word "incompetent" on a young caregiver who is still gaining confidence in her role and trying to do her best?

Boundaries professionally and personally should be reflected on and written down. This starts by being candid and honest with ourselves first and foremost. After all, if we aren't clear on what our own "hard" and "soft" boundaries are, how can we expect others to know?

Boundaries matter to our mental, emotional, and physical well-being. When people cross them, especially those "hard" boundaries we have set, it's important that we are aware of what has happened. Furthermore, it's important that we make the other person aware, too. We must lovingly let them know that a "non-negotiable" boundary has been crossed. Doing this requires emotional regulation; losing our temper and lashing out at someone in a moment of anger usually results in regret (and could have other far-reaching negative consequences).

It would be wise to ahead of time carefully consider our possible reactions to having our boundaries crossed and to practice making ourselves clearly understood in a civil way. As former First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt famously observed, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."