A Work In Progress

"Emotional intelligence" has become a ubiquitous catchphrase in corporate America. "E.I." is an enabling competency that is difficult to acquire. Therefore, when it's displayed, E.I. stands out.

The greatest emotional need people have today is the need to be understood, and the gateway to understanding people is listening. Centuries ago, the chiefs of Native American tribes used the "Talking Stick" to bring about understanding during times of conflict. The Talking Stick was passed around from person to person, but only the one holding it was allowed to speak. People could not interrupt the speaker with a response; they were forced to listen until they completely understood whoever was holding the Talking Stick.

I learned from a mentor that there is a progression that takes place before a leader earns the right to be heard. He or she must first learn to understand others. I struggle every day trying to overcome the urge to contribute my opinion before listening closely and understanding fully. But my mentor taught me that those who listen empathetically, ask relevant questions and attempt to gain understanding are far more valuable and effective leaders than those who only listen in order to interject their opinion.

During my career, I have made many mistakes because I have felt that my opinion and perspective were the "only way." I have obliviously cut people off mid-sentence while trying to insert my opinion, and when someone took the time to share their story, I felt bound and determined to share my own similar experience instead of being interested in theirs.

I am a work in progress. Each evening, as I take stock of my day, I journal these mistakes to remind myself how I devalued someone else in my own quest to be heard.

In his book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People," Steven Covey lists Habit No. 5 as "Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood." This is the habit of "listening to others' ideas and feelings. It's trying to see things from others' viewpoint. It's listening without interrupting and then calmly voicing your opinion with confidence."

If we practiced the principle of Habit No. 5 in our dining rooms, what would it look like? Imagine one of our dining room servers holding the Talking Stick: "I am a young student hoping to learn from you. I am not perfect at this job, but I am trying to do my best. We are currently almost always short staffed, and you yelling at me does not help me move faster. It just paralyzes me and makes me nervous."

Then, imagine one of our residents holding the Talking Stick: "It took me 30 minutes to walk to the dining room because my body is riddled with pain, and sitting in a stiff chair for another 45 minutes just to receive a cold meal is unacceptable. This was definitely not the way I ran my kitchen at home! Is this the quality of service I am paying for?"

Now, imagine a member of the management team holding the Talking Stick: "We have placed multiple advertisements on every recruiting website. We are spending exorbitant sums on advertising job openings. We have posted flyers everywhere, and I'm even recruiting employees when I am at church! The Sysco food truck has items on short supply, and even when we run to the grocery store, there are some items which are currently unavailable. I am exhausted from apologizing, especially when I don't have the answers."

The truth is, we are all "works in progress." So, let's make it our daily intention to listen to others and try to fully understand their perspective. Learning Habit No. 5 is one key to experiencing real progress during these interesting times.